A Triumph Resident Shares Her Story

In November 2023, the Silver Hill Hospital Triumph Program — transitional living program for the treatment of trauma — opened our doors. Our first resident graduated the program, leaving behind the following ‘Steady Hands’ note to future program participants. “Trust the Process. Trust the Team. Trust Yourself!”  Following is her story, and her insights into the impact of the Triumph program on her life.

Prior to the triumph program, I was having a really difficult time functioning in daily life, to the point that my mom basically moved in with me. I was having nightmares, and my days were spent stuck in flashbacks, body memories, and feelings of overwhelming sadness, anger, and shame. I tried using substances to cope, but my symptoms only worsened. I would spend long periods dissociated from reality, losing time, and harming myself. Eventually during one of these periods I hurt myself rather severely. It was at this point that I entered Silver Hill. I spent two weeks in Silver Hill’s inpatient program before going to Barrett House and beginning the Triumph program.

I was first diagnosed with an eating disorder at age 14, when I entered residential treatment for the first time. Between then and my entering Silver Hill (at age 28), I had 9 stays in residential treatment programs, 3 hospitalizations, and a 3 month stint in a wilderness therapy program. I had been diagnosed with bulimia, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, substance use disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and ADHD. No matter how many times I went to treatment, no matter how long I stayed, and no matter what medications I was prescribed, I never seemed to get any better. During my time in the Triumph program, Dr. Haas diagnosed me with symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This diagnosis was truly life changing and allowed me finally receive appropriate treatment and begin to understand myself in a way that I didn’t know was possible for me. I can say without hesitation that the treatment team led by Dr. Haas is comprised of the most knowledgeable and compassionate mental health-care professionals that I have encountered in my 15 years of mental health treatment.

From the outset, a great emphasis was placed on safety. I learned that I could not get better or progress in treatment without being safe, and the firm expectations surrounding my safety, and the observation that the people treating me thought my safety important, was empowering. In the program, there is a lot of education surrounding the effects of trauma, and I learned to identify and name previously indescribable thoughts and feelings as trauma symptoms. I have spent a lot of time in treatment over the years, but this was the first time I was taught specific skills to help relieve my body and mind of painful and overwhelming symptoms. The realization that I had the power to help myself feel better using only my mind, as opposed to the harmful behaviors I was accustomed to, was a game changer and gave me a sense of agency and control that had been taken from me during my trauma. I was also profoundly impacted by the sense of safety and meaning I found in my therapeutic relationships with Dr. Haas, my therapist Yamira, and the rest of the treatment team.

Residential Counselors are at the house 24/7 to support you and help you through difficult emotions that can come up outside of regular programming hours. When it comes to meeting with your treatment team, you see your therapist 3x/week and Dr. Haas 1x/week. On top of that there is a “process group” every day which is an additional opportunity to talk about what you may be experiencing while receiving validation and support from your peers. Although you have your individual therapist, you also spend a lot of time with the other therapists on the team during groups and they are additional resources of support. It is likely that your therapist and/or Dr. Haas will give you homework, and there is a period of time each afternoon to work on these assignments in the presence of a Residential Counselor who is there to provide support. While many of the groups are educational and skill-based, there are additional groups like art therapy and movement therapy where you can express your creative side and get in touch with your body.

The knowledge that I was surrounded by peers who could understand to some extent what I was going through was a huge benefit during my time in treatment. If I was having a hard time, someone was always there to engage in conversation, play a game, or go on a walk. I formed genuine relationships based on a mutual understanding that we were all going through some of the most difficult times in our lives. Despite the intense work we were doing, I experienced a lot of laughter and joy that would not have been possible without my fellow residents.  When I was further along in treatment, a great source of healing came from being able to provide some support for residents who were new to the program. I learned that I can use my experience to help others, and that doing so brings me a great sense of purpose and meaning.

When I arrived at Silver Hill, I was so cut off from myself that I could not identify what I was feeling or thinking most of the time. I felt hatred towards myself and believed I would never get better -– I did not deserve to. I believed there was something deeply wrong with me. I truly feel that I left Silver Hill with a new life. For the first time, I could not only name my thoughts and emotions, I could understand where they came from and why they made sense. With this increased awareness came to understanding that there was nothing wrong with me at all. In metaphoric terms, I was living my life under a massive fog I did not know was there until the veil was lifted and I could see myself and the world with clarity.

Today I am continuing my treatment in an outpatient setting with a psychiatrist who is also my therapist. My trauma no longer dominates every aspect of my life. Even after I have a difficult therapy session, I can regulate myself and return to work or whatever is next on my agenda. I know that recovery is not a linear path and will continue to be challenging. Dr. Haas used to remind me that the difficult feelings that may accompany recovery will never be worse than what I have already survived. I know I deserve to heal and live a good life. After feeling stuck and unfulfilled in my career but lacking the confidence in myself to forge a new path, I have made the decision to pursue graduate studies in the field of psychology. It is amazing how much there is to life when you learn to experience it outside of survival mode. For the first time, I feel like I have a future. While I put in the hard work, I will be forever grateful to the Triumph program for giving me the knowledge, compassion, and encouragement to make a better life for myself.  In the wise words of psychiatrist Judith Herman, “It’s okay to ask for help. Healing is a journey meant to be shared.”