Cara Toretta, MD, Offers Guidance on Adolescent Group Chats
Cara Toretta, MD, Director of the Adolescent Residential Program at Silver Hill, recently commented on a Motherly article on appropriate group chat behavior, “Mental health experts say you shouldn’t ban your kid from group chats. Here’s what to do instead.”
A child and adolescent psychiatrist, with significant daily connection to teens, Dr. Toretta shares additional thoughts and insights on the topic below:
Q: Do you have experience professionally or personally witnessing the rise of group chats for kids?
Dr. Toretta: In my professional experience working with teens, group chats have become an increasingly large part of adolescent social life. While they can help kids feel connected and included, I increasingly see them used for gossip, exclusion, rumor-spreading, and conflict that extends far beyond the school day. This is concerning as home previously had been a respite for many teens if bullying or hurtful remarks were happening at school. Additionally, the dynamic of having multiple peers reacting at once can amplify social pressure and make hurtful comments feel normalized.
Q. How should parents approach group chats? Should they let their kids be a part of them if they do have the tech already to connect? Should they ban them? What are the pros and cons of each decision from a mental health standpoint?
Dr. Toretta: Technology is not going away. Particularly with a generation growing up using technology for most things, including school. The role of a parent or caregiver is to support a teen in using all technology in a safe way. And this is dynamic and should change over time as a teen matures. In regard specifically to group chats, parents should approach this question with their teen thoughtfully and with curiosity. The benefit is that group chats can support friendships, social connection, and coordination around school and activities – both in and out of school. The downside is exposure to bullying, exclusion, inappropriate content, and social comparison. From a mental health perspective, a gradual approach with supervision, clear expectations / boundaries, and ongoing conversations is often more effective than unrestricted access or an outright ban.
3. At what age are kids generally old enough to get access to the group chat? What should happen before that?
Dr. Toretta: There is no universal age to get a phone or start connecting with peers on a group chat. Knowing your child’s readiness is usually more important. Many families begin allowing limited group-chat participation in early adolescence, around middle school, when a child can start to understand and demonstrate responsible technology use.
4. How can you tell your child is ready to be involved in the group chat?
Dr. Toretta: Signs of readiness include the ability to manage peer conflict, follow family technology rules, and seek help when something uncomfortable happens online. A child or teen who can tolerate feeling left out without becoming consumed by it and who shows kindness and good judgment is often better prepared for the challenges of group-chat participation.
5. When your kid is not in the group chat, but they know about it, or worse, hear they were talked about in it, how should you approach that as a parent?
Dr. Toretta: If your child is aware of a group chat but not included, or learns they were discussed negatively, start by listening and validating their feelings. Avoid the often-immediate response of minimizing or jumping right in to problem solve. Be curious with your child on what happened, help them put the experience in perspective, reinforce healthy friendships, and intervene with the school when the behavior crosses into bullying or significantly impacts their emotional well-being. Safety is the top priority.
6. Should parents monitor the group chats?
Dr. Toretta: The goal should be guidance rather than surveillance, and this needs to change over time as a teen gets older. Parents should be transparent about expectations, periodically review digital activity when needed, and maintain open communication so children and teens are more likely to seek support when problems arise and feel as though they will not be punished if there is an issue.
7. How does behavior in the group chat affect the mental health of today’s students? What are you personally seeing?
Dr. Toretta: The impact on mental health can be significant. I commonly see increased anxiety, fear of missing out, disrupted sleep, social comparison, and increased peer conflict connected to group-chat activity. Many children and teens do not have the core strength or internal coping skills to navigate these situations. Often this level of hurt and rejection overwhelms their ability to manage, resulting in a decompensation of their mental health, which further impacts the many facets of a child’s life such as school, home life, and self-esteem.
8. What does the recent story about the Cornell group chat tell us about the importance of setting skills and boundaries within group chat use early on? What does it also reveal about how harmful behaviors can feel less risky when expressed via a group chat technology?
Dr. Toretta: High-profile incidents involving group chats highlight why digital footprints, treating others with kindness, and accountability need to be taught early. Group chats or even text messages can create a sense of distance from the consequences of one’s words, making individuals more likely to say things they would not say face-to-face. They can also create a bystander effect, where harmful comments can gain momentum through likes, reactions, or silence. These situations underscore the importance of teaching children and teens that online communication carries real-world consequences and that the expectations for respect and responsibility should be the same online as they are in person.